Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She needs sedatives and a leash
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My vagina is officially offended.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
