Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
