The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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