His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
