wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
