I wish I could punch you in the face.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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