By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
