party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
