So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
