My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize