U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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