I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
