I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
