Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
