I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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