so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
