the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
