jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize