I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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