So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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