how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize