Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
