I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
