I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
