I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
