just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Bring me that man meat
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
