I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
