Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
