I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
