So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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