I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
