It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
