Umm I'm too high to move.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just found a bag of teeth...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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