The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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