I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
