Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
