the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
