if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
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