What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
