you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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