Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
