she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
