I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
How's work?
Spinning.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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