So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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