Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
