Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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