My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
