It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
