there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm both gender and math confused
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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