no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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