i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
they're like a gay fantastic four
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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