if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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