Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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