there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
