when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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