I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
