Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
