the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
