I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
